Poems

By: Khristine Dizon

2
At that time when,
I need to make a choice;
For I can’t let another,
Feel my pain.
A difficult decision,
Was made and yet,
I made it look so easy
For once,
There never was two;
Since, then there was,
Only one

When it happened,
In a dream;
All I can do—
Was to find myself—
Had a discussion,
With my soul,
That I still need,
Who I am,
For it isn’t real,
Not something
I can hold on to

I left;
Without anyone.
Alone,
With an empty heart,
Once more,
Something I was more,
Comfortable—
A safe resort,
For me to endure
For it is best not,
To choose, but be;
On my own.

Then,
There was you.
Who I always run to,
A person who,
Finish my sentences—
Someone I can’t ,
Live without.
Our relationship is,
Something I can’t detach from.
The type,
That was tied,
Through blood.

3
At this time of day,
As I stepped out,
Of my solitude.
Unexplained memories,
Came through—
Those nights,
When I feel you,
Each steps,
On the streets,
It’s you,
Songs I listen to,
Reminds me of you,
I promised,
Not to worry.
For those nights,
Loneliness was cause of longing.
Missing a part of you,
That must be set aside.
I did, look for you;
Searched for signs,
But you,
We’re quicker,
Than I.
Since I work,
During the night.
Sleeps,
During the day.
I never told anyone,
The reason behind,
For I,
Always understood;
Prying eyes,
Caught behind,
So, I hid myself;
Till the day,
You come back.

Today, unknowingly;
I started,
To remember,
How we were.
How ,u h I feel,
A shadow of you,
How fearless I was,
Of not telling;
How strange I am,
To accept,
That it isn’t,
A lucid dream.

I have to stop,
For I promised someone,
Not to share,
My true self again,
Something you’ve grasp;
So quickly and accepted;
Without question.

4
It’s unexplained,
How comfortable I was;
Openly reacted,
In an unpredictable way;
For when I knew,
A sudden rush of,
Emotion came thru,
Excitement is how they term;
Then yet, once more;
I reckoned a year,
Months of mornings;
Days of nights,
How sweet it felt, every time;
Like you’ve been, patiently,
Waiting for me;
That you got used to me;
Like I can’t live a day,
Without you knowing;
A feeling of being drawn to you,
The clinginess of a person;
Like rhetorical need;
Something I never allowed,
Myself to be;
I miss you, I do;But my stubborn self, must;
For heart ache was felt;
To retaliate quietly,
Is best.

5
You know it is not easy,
To cut my hair short,
Not because of a salon,
Not even because of a stylist,
For each time I had a trim,
I can feel your sadness,
So as mine.

As I reach for the end,
With the tips of my fingers,
And yet I have to;
From time to time;
An inch less is alright,
And yet, it’s too much for you;
Till I decided,
Not beyond lower lumbar.

6
Sunday, walking on familiar steps,
Passing by familiar shops,
Same city, same area, I was always before;
The times, when I caught myself;
In a dream.

Christmas carols breeze through the air,
I didn’t notice, it’s September;
I remember the gloomy night;
When I smelled the Christmas scent;

It is time, soon;
For the saddest Christmas song.
The one I always listen to,
Each year;
One that makes me say;
It’s just one of those days.

7
Let me start with, I didn’t mean to disrespect,
Not even a bit, but since conservative,
Tradition will always,
Have a comparison.
It is when I left that wake;
Someone mentioned about,
Filipino beliefs;
I am not open,
To share,
Opinion much;
But I had to,
That early morning,
Here in my country,
People think of it so,
Negatively thru stories.
And yet,
Since there’s Buddhism,
It changes my view,
Confusing; unconfirmed;
I’ll say it is,
How I view succubus;
Reason behind it’s darkness;
Then, there’s witchcraft,
That tells a positive side of it.
It is inevitable to assume,
That I know a thing or two.
For I am a woman,
Who was not born,
And raised in a province.
Through the years,
I’ve learned it,
On my own.
That I have ways,
That most traditional,
Won’t accept.
For it sees like,
I am the only one,
Who do so.
From tales,
Around the world.
History speaks for them.
That’s what I say,
To myself every time.
To search,
For the stories,
And know both sides.

8
I remember a promise made,
When in search of silence;
If need a sanctuary in the city;
To inspire oneself and find silence,
There’s always the hotels across the metro,
Strays from out business districts;
Not in coffee shops,
That most people would swing in,
Not in restaurants,
Even in spaces, where in there’s a crowd of people;
A promise from a daughter or a pact
Never once it came to me,
To ask why;
When there’s much more;
Who can put in more;
Much center by masses,
And professional writers,
But since a daughter’s promise,
No need for response.

9
In case you get a confirmation that I had an accident,
And hospitalized twice, question why, and didn’t Facebook it.
It is a choice, it has always been that way,
For I am the most stubborn and unreasonable when sick,
Flu, fever, stiff neck and my left forearm pain;
Heartaches, sadness and temperaments;
And the only person who understands and accepts,
Is the first man in my life, the incomparable one,
Even the only woman in my life,
Knows how difficult I can become,
How unloving I get,
How it seemed,
He’s the only one who cares for me
I could not let anyone just,
Any man just see yet,
How I am when I’m weak,
Completely helpless,
Until when is something,
I can’t answer; I do ask,
Now I ask,
Why do I still see you in my vision,
A man from my past;
Who rejected me,
Those daydreams aren’t;
Meant for us anymore.

10
Awaken, earlier than anticipated;
Made myself a cup of coffee;
Went down to take a break,
To my usual spot,
Minding my own, with wondering eyes;
The sky is still bright,
But something came on me;
When I felt the wind,
It blew my untied hair;
It’s you that I feel;
Still you that I miss,
Someone with the voice that lingers;
The voice that made me wonder;
Only one, I’ve felt this way;
Am I ignoring something,
A thought came thru;
Since I’m good at denying myself;
Just like human nature;
It comes and goes;
Loving someone unconditionally.

11
It’s was the biggest mistake during my relationship,
Uncontrollable mind, to envy someone’s past love;
At the end of it, the reason behind is;
The one I was with, could not accept someone like me,
My silence when upset, and when I kept;
Someone’s thoughts overflow,
Misinterpretations, miss analysis and misconstrued,
Was appreciated;
For now I know the reason,
The reason behind;
It’s for a man to be patient,
Inspired to divert his attention to;
Something I won’t be jealous of;
Now if I ask how it felt;
It made my choice concrete,
An independent thinker is what I need;
For every question ask to another;
I will always have a different path,
To step on, and yet it’s there same bricks;
My secretive self.
I was not in search,
But I think I found him,
Someone I can be myself to;
From my strangeness—
To my interior damsel self;
He who doesn’t invade my plans,
And understands;
And let me speak my mind,
So openly.

12
As memories camera thru; reason?
Realization or just a mere reckoning?

I felt the most; when preoccupied with work;
Pain comes thru; after a long day.
Then came a reality, of you finding another.
A woman who can be with you utmost.
Late did I realize; of my ununiqueness;
For there’s my opposite;
Who feels when I’m focused on something,
A jealous type of soul;
When someone trigger my attention;
When a man makes me curious,
And makes me laugh;
Especially, when my subconscious—
Starts, to connect with another.
If only back then I knew.
And yet how, to make a man understand—
Explanation is yet unknown;
Acceptance can be the solution;
And yet, doubt can kill someone’s sincerity.
But how can I not be;
This way when my responsibility is cruicial.
To identify one’s skills;
And personality to fit;
— A role prior to endorsement.
That rapport is needed—
To build a harmless relationship;
So there, Intention for a man to be.
Jealous was never planned;
Something just happened—
When I get to block my subconscious,
Because of my interests;
And yes, I never discuss my work;
In a much detailed manner.

13
It is best for me not to confirm,
Whatever the post that reminds me of;
A functional instruction;
For a concrete layout.
Since t’was about work;
And Yes, I do think too much—
Now, unlike before.
Since, I guess.. I lost myself a bit;
Cause to understand a reaction;
A natural thing for human,
Annoyance can be;
And yet my intention was not to;
But then it happened;
Responses has to change;
Don’t think I have forgotten,
That at a second, closeness was felt;
Sweetness was appreciated;
Naughtiness was my sunshine,
At a dar hour of day;
So if I say ‘If only’.
Your subconscious might be right.
If I‘lol say let the time be,
Just maybe, when fate allows it;
Unacceptable, for what’s carpe diem?
I just could not —
For it won’t be me— when forced.

14
There was a year, when all of a sudden;
It felt like, I lost myself unknown twin;
A force that took away his spirit from mine;
Which, been lost and never found;

Someone, I consider my better half; (other half)
Till after sometime —
I became one with the night,
Once more;
Most memories, came thru;
You knew me, when I was a child,
We grew, separately more than distance;
Can describe.

Still, I can’t explain why;
He reminds me of you,
When it was known of your past;
I should have shared;
My discipline with you,
For my mind is set;
That you’ll continuously follow,
That you knew,
What I’ll hate the most,
But have I told you.
Of course not.

15
At times, I know people wonder;
Why I go back in time;
Why I chose to hide myself,
From music in the past—
For one, I need to know how it begun;
To familiar myself;
With each tune and beat;

I maybe wrong most of the time;
When I recognize, similar tune;
From present to past —
That makes me ponder;
If it’s one of their influencer.

And yet at the darkest hour;
Of the day, since history is known;
I do ask, but not question;
Am I supposed to be born earlier;
Was I supposed to be,
In a different time and era,
Am I doing what I’m supposed to do;
Was I clouded with decisions;
That weighs a reason.

The strange part of me,
Will come thru;
Did I live in the past?
I can’t stop asking.
Have I recognize myself in books,
With a mind..

I know with those,
There’s someone knows me more,
Not with scientific reasoning,
But with religion logic;
And yet there’s complications;
Streamline is need be seen —
One thing I believe for sure,
There is such thing as reincarnation.

16
I was quiet for sometime,
Since now,
And have you not know,
I know when you access my google account
Just something to brag about,
But how did I know,
I didn’t say. Something in my keep.
I am fed up with your wrong accusations.

17
Still unsure, if it’s your voice;
Those you portrayed;
As for fils and series, I’ve seen.
A certain forgotten feelings arise.
For I have stopped time to see.
Helped by a young dragon,
Freeze my swollen heart.
And yet, your sincerity,
Melts the ice that covers it.
I have to admit,
when it’s not you I see,
It turns back to how it was,
Numb, cold, and heartless;
So here I say,
You are one of them too;
And yet, note has to know.

18
To rest is not an option,
Something I always knew,
From the beginning.
For once a whisper,
From my muse;
Reminds me,
That it’s a continuous flow:
For each time I am awaken;
For the period I am in motion;
As the breathable space inspires me;
Situations pains me;

I will always have a thing or two,
And yet in one condition,
If it’s a person,
Love must be true,
Heartache must be embraced;
Tears must freely flow;
Since to endure;
Is something I know best.
To escape is not.
Safe diversion —
A promise,
For that’s the story—
Of a life.

19
If I’ll tell it to you,
What I was doing, that time.
A confirmation, of it.
Will you do the same—
I don’t mean to question,
I don’t want to assume.
It’s not even a game.
I just couldn’t make,
Myself to do;
If, to be ponder on;
Consider;
Has to be part of it.
Then maybe, just maybe;
Once there’s silence,
I can daydream of you.

20
At the most painful state,
Always in self seclusion;
Hidden from all,
Friends, but not you;
What to; was never asked,
In contemplation of how;
Was still not;
For I was, to cure myself;
To find my missing piece,
Fix all the broken walls;
And once complete;
That’s the time,
I can be seen again;
As those days;
No one ever came;
To find me.

Is it wrong to hibernate.
Rather than, have a bottle of wine.
Will it not be acceptable;
If I chose to silently,
Observe the night and day.
Rather than go out.
And it is not to show;
Another man—
Than to prove, I know;
To be on my own;
For I never believed,
In manipulation of love.

21
T’was late that you knew,
From movie soundtracks,
Soul music, to jazz,
Jazz to chicks sounds;
Oasis to Maroon 5
Not as a music addict as you;
With music albums.

But I couldn’t sleep at night,
Without music on.
From radio, albums, to —
Music videos.

And as I awaken;
My time clock,
Was the radio.
Minutes before,
I get out of bed;
I had to play an album,
From poetries to lyrics,
Never had I shared.
For time passed;
And it’s best unsaid,
For maybe,
It is for,
Someone else to know.

22
As years past,
And maturity came about,
There still days,
When I paused.
Breathe it all in —
Those, that made me wonder;
Was it because,
I’m in my shirts;
My jeans,
That suits a man more.
Those sneakers that makes me,
Non feminine at times;
The silence that triggers,
Your mind to run in full.
My unreasonable gestures.
Or when I missed,
To read your mind.
To comprehend circumstances;
Was not a trouble,
To grasp your interest,
Was surprisingly innate,
And yet it, it felt,
I was something new to you.

24
At times, I wonder, what makes me anxious;
What keeps my loneliness away;
If I am too heartless to feel;
Was it just the circumstances, I asked.
I thought, that maybe,
Not the right situation.

Not a gambler,
I follow through;
To risk one’s feelings;
Is something I can’t be —
Careless of;

For my swollen heart,
Is not completely healed,
Detachment makes me forget;
And kept me numb.
Hibernation feeds my brain;
And soothes my soul.

And yet questions, keeps on.
Assumptions, placed me back in time;
Thereafter —
Aloof, and elusive self,
Once more.

25
Those nights was still—
Unwritten, unutterable, unmentioned,
Secretly kept in;
I just reckoned,
Our agreement.
It’s you,
Who needs to,
Write about it.
How ,fun I feel you—
When I get out of bed at night;
From clothes I wore,
The bags I liked;
But if I tell,
Some would say,
It’s not androgynous enough;
Exquisite—
Is something I can’t use,
For I know,
You want to blend in.

I think too much,
For each time,
I comfort you;
Prying eyes tends,
To misinterpret.
But then it’s only you,
Who understood what I mean.
Eccentric—
Is more suited.

26
It’s unexplained;
How comfortable, I was;
Openly, I reacted,
In a non predictable way;
For when I knew,
A sudden rush —
Of emotion came thru;
Excitement;
Is how they term it.
Then yet, once more;
I reckoned a year;
Months of mornings,
Days of nights,
How sweet it felt,
You’ve been patiently,
Waiting for me;
That you got used to me;
Like, I can’t live a day;
Without you.

Knowing a feeling;
Being drawn to you–
The clinginess of a person;
Like rhetorical need;
Something I never allowed;
Myself to be–

I miss you, I do;
But my stubborn self, must;
For heartache, was felt;
To retaliate —
Quietly is best.

27
No one knows when in anxious,
For years, I trained myself;
To wear this mask.
It hides my emotions—
And human nature,
With colors;
That isn’t easy,
To change.

Strange how we are,
People might think,
Most might laugh,
Some might condemn;
Those inevitable,
Thoughts of—
Judgement.

Since I came out,
In this world earlier;
You came out late.
Unplanned but—
Did someone foresaw?

28
It is something new,
Still, I don’t want to—
Ponder on;
Reason behind it,
Will stay unknown;
For I might not,
Be able to accept;
Why would I—

Consider those things,
You are not fond of;
Little things like;
Those that doesn’t,
Satisfy your palette.
Even those—
You are not accustom to;
It is something;
I can’t compromise.
For no one,
Obliged me to follow;

Another taste,
In cuisine;

For never had I;
Encountered a man,
Who questioned,
My adventurous pallet.
And to follow,
What my interest was;
Never an expectation.

Am I being too difficult.
Is it wrong to say,
That what I need is —
Someone who’s natural,
An innate;
And more than I am.
To assume my feelings,
Won’t do good.
My actions lie—
My mind is blocked,
At that moment.
To know the truth,
Needs to come from me.
Not an analysis,
From a mere, observer.

29
At a surprise moment,
I met someone familiar,
His languages,and how he delivers it,
Reminds me much of you.
And yet the timbre, is natural as it sounds;
But the tone, was different from yours.

A geek looking fellow,
A weakness of mine, that I never told.
Now, there’s fear inside,
His interest might,
My iced covered heart.
For poetries, is a part of my soul,
That familiar feeling.
When I strayed into his eyes,
With not the usual intensity, I feel for some;
Something I can’t easily ignore,
Was a soothing wave that I felt once before.

30
Why do I feel, you’ll be upset,
Once I get close, to him one more,
When it’s just because;
There’s nothing more;
A protective soul,
Is how I knew you.
For those pains I keep,
Is inevitable for your not to feel,
Something unexplained;
And something I—
Don’t want just anyone to know,
For I am too, a protective soul.

31
For weeks it may felt I was gone for good,
But no plan was set for me to forget.
Must be the toxicities of work,
That makes me want silence.

On that night a feeling came thru;
That I was missing you so;
But that time, it was one of those days;
When I want to see what surrounds me:

It is not that you try,
For me not to see;
Not for me to know,
Eve not, for me to be protected,
Since you always knew,
I need to decide on my own.

Now, as I type this in,
Memories of how I was, lingers —
Those days —
Everyday before I prepare for bed,
It’s your songs I listen to—

32
At most I wish it’s true,
In days alone —
I wish it’s real,
For once, after a busy day.
As I put on my skull plugs,
And listens to a song;
The deep voice,
Makes me misses you so;
It may seemed, I’ve forgotten,
Or might have chosen my tastes,
It’s still the same —
From sashay to spicy soup,
Cured lettuce to ginger and hot sauce;
It’s still you—
The undeniable calling of you;
With your electric guitar,
Is still —

33
Once upon a strange night,
He told me I’m more for someone,
Who can deliver a line,
A man who can read my sentences,
— with serenity;

And yet I always knew,
I need someone who plays musical instruments.

It was at time of night,
In a bookstore—
It made me recall,
Memories from childhood;
Books that triggers,
My curiosity,
A decade after,
I was once asked not to to;

From witchcraft, poetries, new age literature,
— to arts;
Celtic came natural,
Thru films,
And yet once more,
I lost it.
Or maybe, I just need,
To sleep again.
Till it is time,
For me to be awaken.

34
Why do I need to see a video of you,
To find the world I’m missing for days,
I’m not questioning things,
And yet, it used to be someone I know,
Someone who knows me so,
A person that most,
Will say not;
For me to befriend with.

That person who knows,
I’ll never be the same towards to —

For our story, ended way back;
Something that;
Cannot be forced,
To another —

For the heart,
Isn’t ready for a new,
Situations that needs,
Understanding—

A choice that won’t,
Be manipulated by people,
A decision,
That should be by both.

35
A sudden rush of longing,
I felt through the early night,
And yet another sudden rush of thoughts,
Came thru —
Some things I want to tell you,
That not all people know,
Things I never want, them to know,
Above me and how I am;
The strange things,
That only you can understand.

Someone who doesn’t need,
For me to say—
Simple lines, unfinished words,
For once I said to you,
That when there’s loneliness;
I feel like running to you.
To annoy you—
Till I finally run out, of faces;
To hide my true emotions.

So I have not,
Been able to to put notes,
For sometime—
Someone, have taken;
My notes wrongly.
Just because of what they see,
Not because of how I feel,

It is a bit direct to say;
That my notes was never, about them;

So by chance,
I need to say,
My heart is with you someone,
A person from another country.

36
At the end of the day,
After all the things, that happened;
When I’m not focused on you,
You make me smile,
Every time, I reckoned how you are.
Now I wonder.
If the temper, I have;
Is similar to yours, too.
Something I didn’t mind;
One thing, I’ve always liked about you;
It’s when you know what you want,
When you decide on your own;
How much, I am longing for someone;
Independent, and yet;
Clings like a crustacean;

I’ve been thinking a lot lately,
If I should, or not;
But then,
Still I chose not to utter.

37
In days, I remember you,
In thoughts, words to linger;
In times, of confusion, I do too;
And yet, I couldn’t do.
Stubbornness is too strong.
When questions comes thru,
I stare at my notes, with a no;
But then, another will ask why;
The trouble from our past;
What if it’s not;
For security is needed;
To be misunderstood,
Was a big mistake;
Sensitivity misguided,
And cannot be persuaded;
Space needs, time–
And so am I—

38
I never question, how I love thee–
Not even why did I love–
Till now it never occurred to me,
That it needs to be asked;
For once before;

I believe in this;
That when you love someone,
No need to ask why;
How is it unanswerable–
Just enjoy;
The feeling at that moment.

I did miss the part, will it last;
And yet, the time taught me;
Love equals to, pain and betrayal;
If it’s not bound by fate;
If it’s not bind by love;
And if it’s not the destined one.
When it’s not my other half.

It’s when I close my eyes,
Still longs for another;
A person unknown,
The weather taught me, coldness;
That matches detachment–

To cure one’s soul;
To harden one’s blood;
To heal unseen wounds;

So here I am saying;
Like history as they say;
Dragons do breathe ice and fire.

39
I can feel that someone misses,
How I start my day at work,
From the time I entered the room,
Till I began to tune in to my playlist,
A ritual I do, to wake myself up,
To ignite my inspiration —
To feed a hungry soul,

In the middle of the day,
The toxic begun,
At lunch, I played my favourite,
Album once more;
To gas me up;

Since when darkness comes in,
The same ritual I do, to end my day;
And yet, there was this day;
At break when asked not to–
I feel offended, but then —
I stopped..

So now, I hide what I love to listen to.

40
On my special day, this year;
I believe, I’ll still be on my own;
Alone, sadness is still within;

I haven’t met him, till now;
For the past decades,
I have not search for anyone,
I only wish for someone,
Someone with the same beliefs–

As a woman I have to wait,
For him, to show himself;
Unexpectedly, unscheduled,
And unplanned–

A person who appreciates serenity,
As strange as I am too–
And much more.

I want to question,
Then chose not to;
Since, once upon a time;
A sign, I ask–
If he do exist–
From then on,
Love story I penned,
Is still unfinished,
Untitled —

41
The unforeseen circumstances,
Situations change for good;
Sadness may come about too;
And yet, it is the right path,
For I was never tailored for another;
Not even to analyse the situation,
The unthinkable is best unknown,
Since my heart is, with someone else;
Questions will come to mind;
As how I am–
I chose not to ask.
Let’s leave it like this;
How it all started;
End it as it is.

42
Every time, I miss winter clothes, It’s you I remember;
At times, I wished, I never read about you;
Things that makes us somewhat similar;
For I like it more when Known in a unpredictable way;
It is you, I want to feel; the presence of each day;
I miss how our presence become one;
But it might have worry you,
A feeling I felt, that I ignored;
For you are one of those few people,
Who can make me feel complete;
Reason I never shared,
Purpose I never questioned;
For there was once a time that I thought,
Only one person can catch my attention,
Till there was you.

43
I know it’s just another phase that people go thru,
Some say it’s the uncontrollable madness inside a human body,
But then, because of conservative culture;
But still I don’t consider myself to be;
I can stop and stare, then be grateful for,
The emotions that I feel;
Stubborn is the word.
I’d use to describe my numbness,
Picky and meticulousness might be another interpretation;
Standards set, can be seen as part of it.
Then after all, it’ll go down to compatibility;

Another hour will pass,
Still the silence of a loner
Will be my dilemma–
The comfortability and strangeness of beliefs;
What to do; I ask myself;
Nothing but to wait,
Lazy me–
Or something I believe in–
Fate.

44
In the middle of the night,
I had to pause —
I felt your presence;
And it needs attention,
A thought from you came thru;
With question,
That you already knew, the answer.
But I had to,
Smile to reckoned.
It is not just one,
Particular song.

A number of of artist,
Loved by most;
In a language, that is not;
Our native tongue,

I hope it cam thru,
The messages I sent,
Unwritten —
For I had to turn,
The flashback switch;
In order to remember,
That it was your voice,
The depth that suits,
The tone—

45
To expect; to inspire, one is not;
For once I knew;
People questioned;
Why it needs to be me;
But then what if;

I remember myself in it;
Then another finds me in it;
Found the unuttered words;
Unsaid phrases;
Unsaid reasons;

But how can I accept thee—
A cold heart is what I have;
Numb and detached;
In truth I am not,
I have to be this way,
For I chose to be set aside;
Their importance;
Is what you treasure the most;

Jealousy won’t happen;
Not in a destructive manner;
Something you always knew,
And yet they never believe;
Passion is behind it.

46
There are best to keep unsaid;
Questions from people’s mind,
Doubt of truth I said;
And yet, there’s someone who knows;
I am not in love with anyone,
Not even involved in one,
For I don’t have time,
Not much longing to be in one,
So my pact with my self, is still;
On that day when there’s none;
I guess there’s really no one;

To know how I miss,
It’s a simple recipe untold;
The way it stung my heart;
Is something unclear;
So on that day;
I want to hibernate,
And be alone.
To find the recipe of love.

47
As I lay here,
My mind —
Was diverted to you;
The unknown sweetness,
Something–
I never felt before;
From you, or am I–
Just mentally block,

Indecisiveness pushed me,
Not to be close to you;
It is so sudden;
For me to feel you;
Once more–
Or am I completely,
Regarded–

Inhibitions can be;
Lack of time,
Is not–
In days,
When I least expect;
Someday soon;
I’ll get a glance,
Of you —
From a far.

48
More than prying eyes that I notice,
It is more than just to protect someone;
It is more of;
To find something;
To be use against another–

But I do want them–
To be reminded that;
In able for me not —
To doubt, their ability;
It is best, to see —
The real time,
In situations.

There were name —
Drops;

Don’t be like;
Someone who did wrong;
Social media was used —
So wrong —

Best to think twice
And best to have,
courage —
To confront,
On your own;
And be a man.

49
It is still unknown,
But it feels so true;
A want to replace you,
A want to be like you;
If I’ll say;
It can’t be done, so sudden —
That it can’t be forced;
And it can’t be chosen–
By anyone.

For me to tell,
And confide–

A relationship started,
Without me knowing;
I was caught,
Unguarded by sincerity,
Silence and music;
But how we are,
Is undefined —

Someone amongst the stars,
So when it feels;
You lost me;
You did not,
For still —
How I am to you, alone;
Is between us —

50
It is not a child game, that I can easily enter in;
Precautions are needed, necessary to know;
Prying eyes is always in my mind.
Tiring misinterpretations of people completely known.
Reasons for situations to laughed at,
Talk about, assumptions of undefined people;
Inevitably acceptance–
Most encouraged them —

My curiosity and interest was not triggered;
For I’ve learned something from the past;
Unfairness will be assumed,
And yet I need to protect myself,

It is still you I want;
Still you who I chose;
To feel —
Since comfortability is what I most need;

What to do, was my question;
You know my answer;
I need to be myself till the end;
Detachment and coldness;
Are my only block;
For my soul–
Is too protective,
Of my heart.

51
I am longing for a certain emotion,
Something that not’
Most people can endure;
A feeling that some,
Will try to deny from themselves,
It can drown someone;
To emptiness —
A cause of retreat;
And isolation —

And yet once more;
My true self wants it again,
Isolation —
That will make me see —
As heartless
But it gives seclusion;
A platform,
That makes me whole again.

One thing that I can’t share;
To the world so openly,
The loneliness —
That only few people understands;
No man is an island;
What will be uttered;
What’s behind the subconscious;
That makes me retaliate.

52
Till now, all I can say is..
I miss you.
But I know,
You understand completely;
For messages, unsent,
Letters unsealed,
Shout outs unshared,
If I’ll say hermetically;
Will you remember;

That once upon a December;
It was me and you,
When all doubts’ unsaid;
Still is undefined;
For it is best that way;
It’s not because of ties;
Not even people can say;
It’s between, the two of us;

Just you and me;
In our isolated world.

53
How does one end a love and hate,
When created the push and pull,
Does gravity speaks for themselves,
When atmospheric pressure comes;
Does it affect a solid ground.

Still it seems not enough.

Does the fumes changes it’s path,
For each day; the breeze seemed different;
Emotionally strong is one;
A manageable force is 2nd;
What it meant is still undefined.

54
There are days when I still try not to miss you so;
Days, when I remember you through songs;
Cold nights, when I wear thick cardigan;
In darkness where we wonder;
In days when we slumber;
In nights when we are most awake;

But now, as I felt the cold breeze;
I know you are not with me;
Detachment is now a routine.

For months, I had to stop;
For there’s someone;
Who reminds me of your smile;
Do I like —
I do not —
I am saying this;
Not because I know you;
A jealous type of man;

It is just, I know —
You can feel it;
When it’s not someone;
You’d rather have my attention to.
My greedy soul —

55
At this time of day,
As I step out of my solitude,
Unexpected memories came thru;
Those nights when I feel you;
Each steps, on the street is you;
Songs I listen to, reminds me of you,
I promised not to worry;
For those nights;
Lonelines —

Was cause of longing,
Missing a part of you;
That must be set aside;
I did looked for you;
Searched for signs;
But you were quicker,
Than I am —

Since I work during the night;
And sleeps during the day;

I never told anyone;
The reason behind,
For I always understood;
Prying eyes caught me,
I hid myself;
Till the day you came back;

Today unknowingly,
I started to remember,
How we are;
How much I feel;
A shadow of you,
How fearless;
I was not telling —
How strange I am,
To accept that;
It isn’t a lucid dream;

56
Strange things been happening again,
Causes, is something I’ve known
Doubts in people for their opinions,
Are not the same as mine;
I do wonder in the music scene;
But then I had to stop;
Even when a situation can be similar,
In able to justify;
And support once deduction is just;

Yes my mind is like a clutter box right now;
For I have to train myself; once more,
To set aside something;
To be with myself once more;
Entrapment is one thing;
I know how to get out of;

I am not in a fix;
It’s just a role I am in;
And accountabilities that come with it.

57
No one knows when I’m anxious,
For years I’ve trained myself,
To wear this mask,
It hides my emotions;
And human nature.
With colour that is not;
Easy to change.

Strange how we are;
People might think,
Most might laugh,
Some might condemn,
The inevitable;
Thoughts of judgement;

Since I came out,
In this world; earlier —
You came out late;
Unplanned —
But did someone foresaw.

58
There’s some notes that I just text in,
Not about an information that can be use by another;
It’s my personal thoughts, and it’s irritating;
When I’m being pushed to add it in;
Like a test if those missives I’ve shared here was all mine;
Just like the stories I’ve written;
Those unpublished —
When never did I,
Yet feels the same person as before;
It’s just that, the information that was;
Told about me are incomplete;
For once I’ve shared not all secrets–
I kept are known;
Not all people I know;
Knows me the way a few does;
Since I never really want;
To be a guide of a new one;
For I as never taught by anyone;
Nor, trained by any group;
And so, strangeness in me;
Was forgotten —
When I got older;
It came back;
When I returned home;
Or am I the one who was lost;
Not all people can be use;
To feeling my presence;
Something I’ve known,
For so long;
Why does it feel;
I’m so common with European or Brit;
Can be the personal letter sent;
For it was open to the public to greet;
The royalties —
When they tie the knot;
Why was it so comforting,
When I felt someone;
Who read a story of mine;
Relate it to; the unmarried prince of Wales;
Inspiring to feel Rolling Stones;
And when I daydreamed —
Of the main character’s father;

59
What will happen after a while, when once knew of your false accusations;
That you’ve been defending a woman who’s not your kind;
One you just get ideas from my post and would want me to do the same;
For mine not to be original;
A diversion, in order to protect another, and still find ways;
of me to be use as cover up;
While I type this in, I feel your presence that I can’t even put into words;
I put in all about myself;
It’s you who reads; who used me as a blanket to cover that woman;

Once again, I’ll ask;
What will happen if I prove you wrong;
What if you only want me to write about her for her to feel lucky;
Once I told you, how upsetting it was; because of that woman’s wrong doings;
It’s not being stubborn, you think I am fond of you;
A man who thinks I love,
A man who thinks of who;
Can deflect the truth from me;

Have I not shared, I am somewhat used to;
Used to a man and people who doesn’t believe in me;
Have I not mentioned, how a man treats,
An opinionated woman;
And so I tell you; I don’t have respect;
For a man who meddles in rifts of woman;

If, just an if’s —
Forget me now, since there’s no truth;
No truth behind you, fancying me;
Never look back,
And never try to find —
The qualities I have,
From another;

Accept how the person is;
Stay with the one you chose;
And still fighting for;
Since in reality;
I do want to face you;
and I can’t wait to have a talk with you;
Too upset, with me;
Have the courage as a man,
To face a woman like me;
Someone who don’t need patsy,
Not even ally.

60
What if I tell you, I know you’ve read my
instagram messages;
Accused me of lies–
I bought some shirt to be delivered;
The bought another set upfront;
How can it be possible;
For him not to know;
When he gets all the receipts afterwards;
And I ordered thru his fb page;

It’s possible for him to forget since;
there’s too many people to remember;
Stop doing something you did before;
Just to prove yourself that you can,
predict my actions,
That you know me well,
Just because of private messages;

Have you forgotten what you did?
Have you forgotten what you owe me?
Don’t tell me you are paid to do so;
Don’t you know I can defend myself;
At least when I envy a writer;
I try my best;
To learn how it’s done;
Not your way, of knowing things;

You are the stalker;
You send messages to celebrities;
Direct to their mobile;
Or can be an ex-girlfriend or another celebrity;
Do you do x-ray in order to get information, online —
Or to learn how it’s done;
Or pay someone in a company to have a list;
I know what you know;

Sorry but as a woman you are way beneath me;
When your done with a man;
Why will you run after him,
Check all his fans’ messages,
Especially women;
What did you do to be that way;
Does your conscience kills?

61
Reasons, understandable reasons;
Valid truth behind my silence;
Even when at a time, I do like to share my thoughts;
Something I chose, not to always do;
People have their own precious time;
And it’s not in my nature to;
That clingy ;

Once upon a year;
I let myself loose;
It was a very difficult start;
Uncertainty was strong;
Retaliation, was like a habit;
But then —
My intuition was real;
Regrets comes after —
Believe me when I say;
I can’t handle squabbles;
And the feeling,
That I annoyed another.

When will I understand, that’s what you will say —
What if I did;
What if you noticed;
Everything what you —
Want me to see;
To perceive one’s individuality;
That I can’t depend on a man;
So sudden..
It’s too soon, to say;

That’s why;
How I am in real life;
When I am in a relationship;
With a man,
It won’t be ideal;
To daydream —
For once set the switch;
Reality is my detachment;
Sickness will stay;
Since I don’t play;
The hot and cold game;
I let the day go;
Through it’s path;

The day you hurt your soul;
Unexpected presence came through;
I knew I need to;
Come back to you;
Even for just a few;
Even when I am too confident;
You’ll be fine;
Once you awaken,
I have to leave —
For the last time.

62
I am starting to miss you;
Once more and still;
I’d rather use other words;
For, I have been;
Repeatedly conveying thoughts;
It is for —
What I want to tell you;
What it means more —
Have I wonder, how?

How I lost you;
Was there questions,
Of reasons —

Is there anything,
I want to know;
One thing I can say;
There none;
In truth that lays;

Leniency is what made it;
Last for years —
A truth I told for a decade;
And yet condemned,
For the norms;
An uncommon;
Is what I understood,
Then a dream;
That told —
I am not alone.

63
At times I know;
How a man thinks;
When there’s two of us;
Even in a dream,
Or just a daydream;

Strangely I am not upset;
But, I want you —
To let me go.
Stick to the one,
You chose;

It may feel that;
You’ll get away, but;
Decision won’t be from me;

I’ll ask—
What’s more important;
Friendship or none —
Not much, choice;
But this, how I am;
I never pretended;

Even in a dream;
Even when it’s just —
A daydream—

64
Through the years I’ve grown;
To be matured is something I can’t say;
Memories stayed; people added up;
Challenges was prominent;
Accepted the heartache—
That is intertwined with love;
I always leave a space,
In between;
To be compared;
To someone’s past love;

For what if he kept,
Me hanging;
What if he gets,
Curious of another;
Then he’ll leave;
For someone else;

In compensation for a love lost.
The blank space, was my only blanket;
My precaution —
For I have not seen myself;
In someone —
As clear as water;
Since no one;
Can ever say—
What can happen —
In the next hour;
The following week;
Next month and —
Next year;

What might be;
Is something I —
Need to see;
To feel,
Is something, I need;
Insecurity at the base —
I just ca’t let go of;
My what if’s —

65
Once there was a man who questioned,
Did I care, do I love thee —
Or am I just playing a game;
Toying with his heart;
When I never did,
I just have this habit;
Not telling —
I have something in mind;
A situation—
Where my passion lies —
A dilemma,
That always have a solution —
It the pressure of time;
That makes me silent;
At that point;
As days pass;
Still, the cause —
It’s when I am not,
Being felt;
So then it ended;
A third party,
Yet again.
Do I blame myself;
I do not —
Did I realize my loss —
There was none.
In truth,
I never feel the need;
To depend.
It’s the start of my question;
To myself —
If I’ve ever been in-love;
I blame myself,
For the pact I made;
With my soul —
No be needy;
To be clingy;
Till the time comes;
Until that one person;
Whom I can be myself.
A man I must wait for;
For I never really,
For I never let myself;
Be with someone—
Just because.

66
They say people change, when something happens;
Drastically changed,

If necessary for some;
When it’s time;
To put on,
A different mask;
A facade as they say—
Face of a Geisha.

Still the one,
Who knows lingers—
A hidden soul
A truthful spirit

The true spirit,
In my bones.

67
I need someone, with a sense of individuality;
Someone who doesn’t follow the trends;
A stubborn soul who is true to himself;
Even in situations,
Still—

Seeing things,
Over and over—
To conform, won’t do—
Twice betrayed is too much;
Thrice is stupidity;

And yet, why not confide;
You asked once more;
I could not—

A part of me know
I’m someone—
You’ll never understand.

68
Inevitable toxicities are in town once more;
The unpredictable schedule;
And yet, I asked for justification;

Unruly paperwork;
— ocdc is needed;

For never will I ever conceal;
Manipulation to work—
On disorganized desk.

Not a lie,
Just truths;
For once,
Beliefs must stay in mind.

69
There are some things I don’t want to remember;
Feelings I once felt, memories from when we started;
Vision from the past, keeps coming through;
Another of my unfinished stories,
Is something I owe you you;
But will the worry fade;
When I start once more;
Will it be different, when I try to be myself;
Will jealousness, be trigger again;
Is it difficult to understand, what went wrong;
If only I can tell —
How much I need to—
Have a strong hold on things;
To be distant;
Not to make time for you;
Not to make you my world;
Not an expectation;
Just how it’s supposed to be,
What can happen tomorrow;
Is not best to be foreseen.

70
Have he not noticed how much I know —
When he always misinterprets my post,
That he always have something to say;
Even when he’s not involved,
Even when you, yourself —
Don’t know the situation;

Have I ever opened up to you—
Is your life not that colorful—
To meddle with mine;
All the things you’ve said;
Have you not learned a lesson;
Sooner or later—
I will know everything—

From the time you started;
Can’t used someone’s explanation;
You were not there to start—
You don’t know how accepting we are;
When we get upset with someone;

I have the right to be angry;
So when day comes—
I don’t say much—
Best to respect the silence.
For truth is hurtful.
And not —
To turn the tables around —

71
Lies kept coming thru;
For me to care—
It is not;
It is not that significant;
Not valuable, to be bothersome;
In a way, there’s history;
The untold one—
Best for me not;
To mind,
Wait for the time—
Of confrontation;
Since most;
Defends that person;
I can’t wait for —
A face off —

72
I asked myself,
Why it’s not easy;
For me to write —
To show my love—

Look deep—
Someone said;
Stare at the ceiling—
Paces on a few—

Spaces still;
Won’t fill me in;
Is it the pride,
After a heartbreak—

A love lost—
Not believed by many;
But stories—
Lives on;
Feelings can be cold;
Detachment —
Saves a lonely heart;
Or is it true love;
Something…

73
There are people I chose not to write about;
Betrayal stay;
So why would I bother;
Better, write about them;
They said.
But only hatred came to mind;
From those people who follow you around,
Who keeps an eye of your daily posts;
And yet they are not the ones—-
I prefer not to laugh;
Not those people—
Who never questioned—
My music, books and
Everything—

It is a choice; not hindrance;
Not to write about them;
Till there’s patience;
Never a competition;
Someone made it that way;
It’s what I need the most—
Someone more than—
More than what I know;
Naturally—
Similar is need be—
From music, books and
Everything—

74
There was a time I was open with—
Friends, acquaintances and family,
Those random thoughts,
I like to share;
For its how I am;
To shout out—
Lessens the emotion,
Of being lonely;
For days the post was up;
People started to mumble;
— the post was too deep;
They kept whispering;
It’s for deep thinkers;
At first, it wasn’t a bother;
But a pinch was felt,
By my soul—
Years gone—
Hibernation started;
Online materials,
Unnamed and unrecognized.

75
Don’t force it; for me to be reminded of,
Misled me once; that the only reason,
Why you want to feel;
Why you to know;
Is to be like another—
Why, I asked;
With all the wrong accusations;
Why, still I asked;
Preference and purpose,
Are two different things;
Concern and love;
Is it real—
Stubborn minds,
Same as mine—
To be influence is to be;
Admired—
Tattoos of memories—
Inspiration for most—
Due to situations;
Mostly, envy—
When there’s doubts,
Betrayals and accusations,
Surrounds—
Again, I asked why—
Hidden traces of ink,
Are planted-
From pains of heartaches—
That lingers—
Why—

76
Someone I didn’t knew,
People have the right to complain,
Correct another when—
Used to something or not—
To have their nails done,
Or not—
Hair cut,
Or not—
Just because I’m a woman,
And not an IT person.
It doesn’t mean,
I don’t know anything.

Why, am I not allowed to complain;
Why, am I not allowed to speak my mind;
Why do you want me, to blindly follow —
Again, I am not, the submissive type —
Even when they say, men are into that,
I won’t compromise.

So what if I was spoiled,
Showered by a mind,
With the same wavelength.

77
For those who’ve been single for so long,
Was there ever a time, when you asked yourself,
If you really are choosy—
So they say;
To find the man, to be with;
Where there any doubts on love,
Is the waiting—
Or to complete oneself,
To feel that a part of you,
A lost self.

The feeling of emotions that runs through—
In contemplation of the past,
Realization on comfortability,
Is strong.
Same wavelength is to be—
As to necessity;
Whit a spark of chemistry.

78
It is easier to write sad things;
About sad memories and situations;
Each have their own number of masks;
Facades that prying eyes try to penetrate;
Blocks that hides the inner self,
The innocence of time—
Most of the time, the truth.
Like paint that hides the blues—

79
There are something’s I don’t want to remember,
Feelings I once felt,
Visions from the past,
Keeps cooking through—
My unwanted memories—
Not suitable for a story—
My unfinished story is what I owe you;
My living muses for writing—
Will the worry fade, if I start again,
Will it be different when I be my old self;
Will jealousy be palpable;
Not easy to tell what went wrong—
Not easy to share—
Not easy to be distant—
Not easy to maintain expectations,
But that’s life.
What will happen tomorrow,
Is best not to foretold.

80
Have she not noticed how much I know,
For each misinterpretation from my posts,
Always have something to say—
Even when she’s not involved.
When you yourself does not understand the situation,
Have I ever opened up to you,
Is your life not colorful enough—
Not enough, to meddle with mine—
With all the things you’ve said—
Still not, a lesson learned-
Soon enough, I knew the truth—
From the time you started,
When used another—
Situations you were never in—
Acceptance is never an issue,
Till now—
We all have the right to be upset,
But days will come when I’m silent—
Best not to ask, if not ready,
For truth can hurt.

81
I wonder what will be the situation,
For once I never told,
Relationship troubles —
Always hidden, unspoken, unuttered—
Detachment is more noticeable,
It’s when they feel,
I don’t seem to care—
It’s just because..
My mind is preoccupied,
With work and problems.
Situations needs rectification—

Here i am with the sad question,
Why i never say—
Why i never ask—
Why i never show—
Rejects and betrayals.

There is one tho,
Same as I,
A silent soul.

82
An unspoken was made years ago,
A promise not to write those loved,
Can’t help but be remiss of my unpublished stories,
Materials I penned—
Read something online,
Reason for the sudden revolt,
Negativities—
Unwanted thoughts—
Misunderstood—

83
It is not that there’s nothing to share—
I became redundant—
For some it was not,
It answers the same questions.
Not because due to lost of words,
I just need to feed my brain—
And days of pressure from stress—
My regular days—
Till it became my oxygen,
To gas me up.

84
A voice in me kept pushing to be heard,
To be back in the realm where I was accepted,
But to do so it’ll be difficult—
My emotions are running wild,
Mistakes happens—
Relationship ended—
Embarrassment to return..
And yet, that voice longs for me—
Till that dream —-
He made me feel reborn again.
In sight amongst the stars.

85
If I say I’ve been like this since—
Someone never understood,
Especially when mood changes,
Can’t easily be ignored,
It’s impossible for me not to detach,
To reclaim my space at some point—
Just for a period of time.
For how long, I’m uncertain—
A part of me knows I need it,
To be re-accept may be difficult—
Clinginess to detachment,
Annoying was to silence,
Longings is needed,
For both—
If only can unfreeze time—
To pull away from the frozen ice—
If—
To mirror—
Uncertainty might come —-

86
I asked myself why I can’t write about love,
Why is it difficult to convey,
I can’t find the answers—
Even when I stare at the ceiling—
As I lay down—
Spaces doesn’t fill me in.

Is it pride?
For a love lost.
For not believed by most—

But each story has it’s own,
Even for a cold one it lives on,
But what to do?
Detachment saved me—
From a lonely heart they say—
Or is not love…

87
There are people I chose not to write about,
Deceit and betrayals are too much,
So why should i?
If I do, all be about hatred,
There are people with those prying eyes,
And there was something more to it,
It’s not that I don’t care,
At most times I just want to laugh at myself,
Be light with the situation,
Question on if I truly the writer—
Offensive at first,
Doubts of the unknown was felt so strong,
A created my small world,
To hid myself,
To entice one self,
And to find me—
To write was never a competition,
I was just sharing.
I knew I needed someone who knows more,
Listens to a vast genre of music,
Someone who knows that loud sound is a rhythm,
Someone who knows that amplifies are the pitch,
And sometimes synthesizers are not necessary.

88
There was a time that I was very open —
Towards friends, acquaintances and family,
When it comes to my thoughts and opinions.
Those random insights I like to share,
For that’s how it is.
But shouting it out openly,
Lessened the loneliness,
For days the post was up.
But people around me can’t stop to mumble–
It was understandable at first,
To be misunderstood is acceptable,
Heard their words —
That it’s only for deep thinkers.
I felt a twig of pain from within —
Like my soul was stinted,
Year of hiding was decided.

89
Don’t force it for me to be reminded of
You mislead me once and never again.
The only reason why you want to feel,
Is to make yourself whole again.
To be like me?
For what?
Do you anything about me?
Aren’t you satisfied with who you are?
Accusations come a go —
Just because most of my friends are girls.
And how old do you think I am?
Not to know my preference.
This is for what again?
Your concerns are not real.
For how long will this be?
Stubbornness is a natural thing,
To be influence is a choice.
I am not that woman.

If you knew about doubts,
That surrounds me,
Prying eyes that looks at me,
Decorum requirements
Can you handle that?

90
If I tell, it’ll be an insult —
Because of your accusations,
A filipino musician?
How come he not know my type genre?
It was late to know that I listen to soundtracks.
The truth about all my relationships.
To know one’s interest before a relationship happens,
It was like knowing someone the same as me.
How can it trigger my curiosity,
That part is just a bit of him.
Of who he is.
A music on repeat is addictive.
Memories recalled because of similarities.
Till realization, that it was more than music.

91
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, which is an excuse;
But I started to feel sadness in my soul,
It felt like someone was looking for me,
In search of where I am at present.

I am just in my familiar place.
But with my empty heart.
Sadness is so strong that made me stare at nothingness,
It seems the Christmas carols is not loud enough for me to hear.

All I can grasp was the sounds from machines.
Did I just miss to let you know where I am at again?
One of those things I always do.
Inevitable when there’s a certain sadness.

92
Promises we made,
Unbreakable pact we have,
Our simple happiness,
That no one knows.
Unspoken words,
Unwritten loves.
Is still engraved in me.

Till unruly mind came in,
Due to stress and uncertainty,
Undecided still.

But once more,
A cold breeze,
Fills me in.
On a night sky.
Just before twilight.

93
Readers remembers,
Relates to understand someone,
Another is to peek through the truth,
Questions if it’s real.
Or I’m just one who tells stories.
Worst came when they saw the names.
Stories that’s familiar to them.
Upsetting scenes are mistaken,
An aged story to cure one’s loneliness.
To publish, I never thought about that.
Or can be, not good enough.
Enviousness, if there’s something more,
More of this.
I ask if you believe in muses?
From the ancient time of mythology.

94
As I said before what you think I am is not,
To change one’s attitude can be personal,
To personal to tell,
How I am is not completely understandable,
Till someone reads it till the end.

Why did it pains you to misunderstood my shout out,
Somehow, my coldness was because I am used to–
Used to seeing chats of people,
Where in access was given through a responsibility,
I am not insensitive but cold,
But to question a title seemed —
Reason is within the story.

Not to confirm is one’s rights.
My love is limited,
Some emotions will saturate,
It’s just temporary.
For I need to hibernate.

95
They have not know if misused,
To be misunderstood,
Most relationships don’t get affected,
By cultures and traditions.
For history was accepted.
They said, it can’t be done.
Something I will never understand.
Why not be inspired by the greats.
Why can’t be those people who lived with pain.
Then they die till someone appreciates their work.
Why not those people I envy the most when it comes to writing?
Why must it always be my way of things?
The truth is the path is within a person’s soul.
For not all people managed depression like I do.
It’s not discriminatory but consideration is needed.
I’ll go back to one.
I trust him.
What’s wrong with that?

96
Someone thought I didn’t know.
To complain is everyone’s right.
To correct another is needed.
But why do you need to question,
What I do for myself?

Why am I not allowed to complain?
Why am I not allowed to speak my mind?
Why do you want me to blindly follow?
I am not the submissive type.

97
For those who’ve been single for so long,
Was there ever a time you asked yourself why?
Is it really because of pickiness?
Or just–
There’s no one to consider,
No man to be your better half.
Was there doubts if love can be return.
Doubts and deceits kept it away?
Will it be the perfect one —
Or missing piece of a puzzle.
And not to complete yourself.
Because you think a part of you is in him.
Similarities are too close to ignore.

98
It is easy to write about sad things,
Sad memories and observations,
That makes us whole.
For all of us have numerous mask,
Masks we have on.
The facades that people want to break.
Blocks that makes us hide the truth,
The pain and heart aches.

99
There are some things that I don’t want to remember,
Feelings I once felt,
Memories from when it started,
Visions from the past that keeps coming through,
Like another of my unfinished stories.
Something I owe you.
Will that worry fade once I start again,
Will it be different when I try to put myself in a story,
Will jealousy be once more felt,

It isn’t easy to understand what went wrong
If only I can tell you, why I need to have a hold on things.
To be distant is one.
To hear the silence is second.
To be my old self is third.

100
I always wonder what will be the situation,
Once I never told anyone.
About my relationship troubles and pain,
It’s always hidden, unuttered and unspoken,
Detachment was more noticeable,
It felt I don’t care at all,
When my mind is just preoccupied,
Times when there’s something to resolve.

101
An unspoken was made years ago,
That I won’t write about anyone,
Anyone who I never loved,
I can’t help but be reminded of my own stories.
The unpublished I penned.
I read about a few,
They said it’s the negativities,
Why was one able to understand,
And yet most seemed not.
Expectations, rulings,
The sadness and aloneness,
Was not obvious.
No explanations,
I just can’t.

102
It is not that I don’t have anything to share,
I noticed how it seemed to be redundant,
My sentences kept repeating itself,
But for others it isn’t or it wasn’t.
Lost of words is not a thing,

103
Who’s behind the woman from random thoughts,
Why did she think of ‘In Wee Small Hours of the Morning’
What if I wrote about myself,
What if it’s those unspoken questions,
But no one will ever know —
I needed someone to tell me those lines —
Someone who can make me feel understood.
Will there ever be a time.
Or is it too late.
What if the responses are from me, too —

104
I can hear the harlem people from the local scene,
Pulling me in once more,
Engulfed in familiar memories,
In a non forceful manner to held me in —
Too close with you to be forgotten.
Protective souls I’ve felt for the past years —
I was once his —
For there was a time, I was alone —
Till dawn and he knew.

It is not about you or how we are–
Not even about our colors and choices,
Not what we’ve become.
In time when everything subdue,
On my own time, my own way —
It’ll be addressed.

105
By why does it feels like someone worries,
Why did it seemed misunderstood —
Then why it felt someone envied —
Was it I,
Who thought wrongly…

I am now missing the silence,
When our presence was one.
Seconds flies this morning,
It’s you that lingers on.
Was it a vision,
Or mere illusion —
But I chose not to.
And yet it didn’t feel right,
To let myself drift away.

A drama is a common thing to say —
By some they’ll say, in transition.
To seclude one self is needed,
At times, to make yourself whole

No expectations,
Is what I can guarantee —
Unusual it may seem —
The hardest thing to do,
For me.

For how will something end,
When there was never a beginning.

106
Can I not tell what’s in my mind,
Can I not feel you,
When that’s the way I am.
Can I not see you,
Even just a mere vision.
Can I not see a shadow of you,
Each morning that I awaken.

It was never like this,
It’s just from the time being.
I need someone who’s used to me.
Who won’t question my silence.
Someone who can feel me too.

One who was with in the darkness.
One who was with me in light.
One who was with me under the rain.
And the one who was always there.

Misbehaved minds is what they call us.

107
It is not that I completely don’t recognize you,
But it comes and go, lately.
If you wonder why,
It’s the same thing as before.
I am still the same for sure.

But some things are now forgotten,
That I never dwelled on,
Reason why I am different.
And why I can’t answer your question.

The stubbornness in me do wonder,
If I misunderstood.

108
How am I with your gemini-dragon friend,
And with you as a dragon born.
Same as always.

It’s not that I closed doors.
Hesitation is too concrete.
Uncertainty of ‘what if’ —

It does seem that what I said,
Was not true —
But what if, it is.
Try to show the strangeness,
Unacceptable.
It was even through music.
No can’t do.

109
Painful it feels, each time it happens.
It’s when be misunderstood,
By a person you thought who won’t,
Like it was unread and just skimmed.
To forbid one from creativeness is unjust.

110
To my twin soul,
I never left —
But I need to let go.
Even when there’s no confirmation.
I need to —
It’s more about mood swings.
To be found difficult,
It’s understandable.
Expectations need to be met.
But I like seeing your truest self.

111
Try not to find a man,
Try not to match a description,
Not scramble the pieces,
Do not ask for reason.
Even how it happened.
When you like someone,
Ask yourself.
With all mishaps, it is still not.
As regrets starts to arise.
To blame yourself.
But if you know the truth.
What shall it be?
You alone can mend,
You alone can forgive,
And you alone can forget.
When there’s silence.
Peace of mind will be strong.
It’s not a scolding.
No force to argue.
Realization is needed.
Too close for comfort.
Friends are we.
In time I’ll you,
Why there a space in between.

112
To provoke to prove that all people are the same,
I woman not a man —
And I am not your ideal.
What’s the fuss?
Inevitable for misunderstandings,
To be scared of people —
Their opinions, reactions —
Is normal.
What happened in past,
Let it pass.

113
I honestly can’t be the same with you,
I can’t and I will not.
The situation is different.
You are not one of them.
An unreachable star.
Unacceptable it sounds–
But that’s the truth.

114
I can now feel the cold breeze of the night,
It is you who I feel as I walk without my guide lights,
From coats, sweaters, distressed jeans —
It’s you whom I remember.

How comfortable I was at night,
Like being alone in an empty space,
Empty streets that I want to go back to—

A moment of detachment was felt,
Silence stayed for a bit,
Confirmation was none.

Incompatibility, I guess not.
Late did I knew I had an accident.
Still bruises are swollen.

115
If sweetness be felt —
Through words and images,
How will it be—
Situations differs amongst.
It goes beyond each person.
Whatever situations,
Uncertainty happens—

116
Till now people questioned,

How those stories came about,

Situations, issues, problems, dilemmas…

What else is there–

Why does some have a blank paper,

In front of them for a period of time–

I am not an expert,

Just an amateur.

Still my liking for missives are there–

Where it all started.

It was never a difficult thing,

But I noticed how words from observations,

Came to placed.

There are some that are difficult,

But not incomprehensible–

From life experiences like love,

they were able to put it in words,

Some are relatable to most

Others not–

It’s not easy to please everyone.

But when a time,

And you were able,

The flow understanding will come.

117

To prove that all people are the same,
To analyze me won’t do you good,
You are not even my ideal type,
What’s the use of doing so?

Inevitable outcome because of misundertanding,
Misunderstood phrases, shout outs, and posts,
I don’t fear their opinions–
Even to those with close ties–
I am fearful of my temper.
The sudden burst of uncontrollable,
Words will push through.

What happened in the past was something I answered,
Traces are from my notes and posts…
Understatement if not known who —
Able to understand.

Who I’m have close ties to,
Those who I always speak to–
And someone who was forbidden,
To love–
Who’s presence was always felt.
But my detachments flow through–

I am sorry my baby fiery one–
Your soulmate shown herself again,
Presence can be all over,
Soon enough—

118
I honestly can’t be the same towards you,

I can’t and I won’t for the situation is different —

Able to reach still a star–

Unacceptable mind is what I am,

Can’t you believe when I tell you,

It’s safe that way.

And I don’t want to say repeatedly.

It’s like writing messages,

On cloud they stays —

Un sent and will always be,

Unread.

119

Why worry about those drunken messages–
When it was like sending it to a brother,
Unusual right?
It’ll make you think the other way.
But he did not.
Consider the letter as is.
I paused a bit just to breath.
Returned to my usual routine.
Unfamiliar place that’s how it felt,
To be in the same scene.
Computer on the table,
I turned it on,
Closed my eyes.
Unsure it it was sent.

120
If I get to be ask on my preferred music,
Only if I get asked—
It the sound of the instruments,
I notice it first—
How the rhythms are—
But it always goes both ways.
Do I make sense?
But then there were days,
I like certain melodies—
At times songs from my childhood—-
Not the nursery rhymes tho.
If a song from an album,
or a soundtrack that I kept —
On repeat.
The retrospect of the sound—
Makes it therapeutic.
Where in when I hear the high pitch
It gas up the blood flow
From my veins.

121
Unreasonable…

Requests with limitations is placed–

Reasons was behind the clock,

Till it strikes at twilight.

Time to be out of sight.

But…

I’m tired of their ways,

Tired of the accusations,

And hearing about what they want,

I am tired..

Too tired of ignoring once unthinkable —

Selfless act.

With no minding of repercussions to others —

I have my own mind and soul to follow.

Please…

Don’t expect me to be like them–

It can’t be forced,

This is how I am.

To generalize can be misleading,

From…

Questionable principles,

Unacceptable rules,

The one sided relationship.

122

The only similarity I can find is when I read.

People will say I’m biased If I don’t.

To be only on one side of things —

Is something I can’t do.

Or the response you’ll receive won’t be the one you need.

To tell out story is another thing that I can’t do.

Once I told you of someone,

A person I’d rather not name,

Someone who can’t live a day without his guitar.

And I don’t have the heart to hurt him.

His feeling and emotions that runs with his music.

Someone who can easily grasp my thoughts,

Continue my sentences.

And even when we don’t speak the same language,

He’s someone I can easily open up to.

No relationship can be compared to another

It’s just the inevitability of common problems–

A reminder of the same mistakes we did.

We tried to be different for each relationship.

For us not to do the same mistakes as before.

I guess we were still young back then.